Monday, May 16, 2011

Born in the USA, Too

    Today I'm very proud of myself! It was only yesterday I demanded that billionaire real estate developer and 2012 Republican presidential candidate-wannabe Donald Trump produce his real birth certificate or admit to being Russian and this morning Trump withdrew from possibly entering the race. I must be really, really awesome! You're fired, Donald Trump! Now to get to work on all those other people who are still in or considering entering the race.
    First of all, I've heard all those rumors going around the internet that Sarah Palin is actually a man in drag. Let me just say I don't think I believe that. I'm pretty sure she's just a really homely woman. However, there's a good chance the rumor that Palin and her family are a highly trained, tightly disciplined, heavily armed strike force, comparable to the Navy Seals, is true, so all you bloggers better lay off the Grizzly Mom.
   Then there's Tim Pawlenty, whose rapper name is T-Paw. What's wrong with Pawlenty? Well, he's got a rapper name for gosh sakes! I mean, come on! Do you want to hear an acceptance speach worthy of the Rappin' Grannies? Besides, had you ever heard of the guy before right now? If you had, you're probably either a real political junkie or from his home state. For the record, Republicans consider him a great candidate because he toes the party line and has no original ideas of his own. What could possibly make him stand out (besides his rapper name)? With Republicans, it's all about the hair.  Republicans love candidates who have great hair and Pawlenty has it going on.
   Hayley Barbour has been compared to Foghorn Leghorn, but I don't think that's fair. Foghorn is an old school Southern gentleman, whereas Barbour comes from a long line of carpetbaggers. Barbour's natural habitat is K Street in Washington, DC. He only plays a southerner when he's fleecing the people of Mississippi. And his hair isn't all that great.
   Fortunately, Mike Huckabee has announced he's not going to run because there is no way a former governor from Arkansas is ever going to be President of the United States. Never happen.
   Mitt Romney is a tough one to figure out. He doesn't even seem to know who Mitt Romney is. Supposedly he was a successful businessman, but in this day and age, when a CEO can bankrupt his company, the entire population of the country, the American government and most of Europe and still keep his job and get a huge bonus, it's hard to know what "successful businessman" means. On the other hand, Romney does have that hair. Big advantage.
   Newt Gingrich, it turns out, is the brain cell behind the Republican Party. They call him an "idea machine." It's little known outside of the Beltway, but Newt is the one who issues the list of buzz words that every Republican must use constantly whenever discussing Democrats. Words like socialist, pandering, weak, irresponsible, stupid, etc. He's even the one who took the "ic" off of Democratic Party. Every time a Republican opens his or her mouth, Newt's voice comes out. One might think that this would make Newt the best candidate for his party, but no. The problem is, he's so busy generating ideas and buzz words that he has no actually substance. He never stops to consider the consequences of putting his ideas into action. On the other hand, if every woman Newt's had an affair with votes for him, he's a shoe-in for the nomination.
   Michele Bachmann is the Sweetheart of the Tea Party Rodeo. Don't ever accept an apple from this woman. The internet rumor about her suggests she stays young by bathing regularly in the blood of adolescent virgins. I personally doubt that. I do, however, think that she's someone to avoid during a full moon. I'd prefer to avoid her no matter what phase of the moon as I get uncomfortable around the criminally insane when they are out of restraints and off their medication. But that's just me.
    Ron Paul isn't really a Republican candidate, he's a Libertarian who wants to actually get on the ballot. Paul isn't dangerous (unless he somehow manages to get elected president), but his ideas are typical wacky Libertarian boilerplate, like returning to the gold standard (which would limit the American economy to about that of Rhode Island), doing away with taxes altogether, doing away with speed limits, doing away with laws, returning to a fur-trading economy, mandating the wearing of foil hats. If Ron drops out of the race his son Rand may step in. Rand is named for Ayn Rand, an atheist who believed that the poor should be allowed to die to make room for more rich people.
   That pretty much covers the corn-based creme which has risen to the top, but there are dozens more I'll have to trash later. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ideology gap: Barack Obama.
   Obama doesn't have great hair, so he's never going to win over the Republicans. So far, the other Democrats are honoring the unspoken rule "you don't run against your own incumbent," but that could change, assuming there are some Democrats out there who really want a Republican president. Obama's biggest liability is that he's tried to make things better for people who don't live in castles with gold-plated everything, and in America we just don't cotton to that sort of thing. We'll see how he does after the Republican hopefuls are through savaging each other.
   So that's it for now. I'll try to provide updates as more internet rumors emerge and more candidates make themselves known. Or maybe I'll choose sanity and just ignore the whole thing.


--Stephen P.

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