American Gothic

    I think America is in trouble. We seem so distant. We don't talk anymore. Things are getting really tense. It seems like we argue all the time and we fight about things that didn't used to matter. The top one percent in this country, the wealthy and the corporations, are acting like an unfaithful husband getting ready for a divorce, moving money out of joint accounts, hiding income, transferring assets and taking way too long driving the babysitter home. 

    The rest of us Americans are all like "but we've tried so hard to make this work" and the one percent are like "well maybe if you'd been a little sexier, hadn't had so many unions and taxes--maybe if you'd been more like Ireland." And we're all like "well maybe if Ireland had been up all night with a sick baby!" Then One Percent says "It doesn't matter. I'm taking the house. You can have the kids, but good luck even trying to collect child support!" And then we're all like "my mother was right about you!"

    So maybe while the top one percent is out buying Ireland a new boob job America needs to go all Cougar Town, hire a good lawyer, get a makeover and a personal trainer and start checking out some emerging markets of our own. Then one night while Old One Percent is in the restroom at the nightclub straightening his toupee and popping a Viagra, Ireland will be out on the dance floor skanking it up with Brazil. By the time One Percent comes out of the bathroom there'll be nothing there but a hefty bar tab and an empty champagne glass with lipstick on the rim. Then One Percent will be stuck sitting around a drafty apartment alone in his underwear eating TV dinners and waiting for NetFlix to download...'cause it's too late for counseling.

--Stephen P.